grandmom mollye

I don't even know where to begin.

Grandmom Mollye is gone. She passed away on Monday, August 30th.

In my previous posts, I wanted Ella-Lorraine to be able to read the blog and focus on how happy we were to have her in our lives so I didn't go into detail about Grandmom Mollye. Part of our baby story, though, includes both the welcoming of a new life and the celebration of a passed one.

Grandmom was a long-time cancer survivor, battler and warrior. She lost her battle after many years of fighting and putting only her best face forward.

She had begun to succumb to the chemo and had not been doing great when we saw her at Christmas. So, we had been trying to prepare ourselves for what we knew could be a very real possibility. Still, it was a shock to my system when we got the phone call from my aunt on August 23rd letting us know that all treatments had been stopped and that Grandmom had been put on hospice care.

I was so distressed. I had been talking to Grandmom during my whole pregnancy. Asking her to eat and take care of herself because a new baby - a baby girl!!! - was on the way. I knew she wasn't at 100%. She didn't always remember things I had told her and she would repeat things she told me. I tried to encourage her to look forward to the baby and I think that's what she did.

In retrospect, she kept her strength up just long enough ~ until the baby was born and she heard everything was ok. Exactly one week later, her health had started to deteriorate and hospice care commenced. One week later she was gone.

Through tears and resignation and prayer and feelings of helplessness, we all decided that the baby and I would not travel home with my parents when they left for NJ on the 27th. Instead, we would wait and see. We hoped to get reports and updates from my parents and possibly skype with my grandmother and talk to her on the phone. And I would hope that she would hang on until the baby was safe enough to travel.

But that was not to be. Grandmom hung on again, until my parents could get home. I tried to speak with her during that last week and she was not the same. I could barely hear her and I don't what she knew of the "conversation." Skypes and phone calls were not a possibility.

I am going to miss her so much. Looking back on it, she was my best girlfriend. I could call her anytime and talk about anything. I miss her voice and her wisdom and her unconditional love. I will miss her scent and her laugh and all the ways she made me feel special. I think about her everyday and at least once a day I think to call her and then realize I can't. My hurt hearts.

When Grandmom passed away Ella-Lorraine was two weeks old. Again, we prayed and struggled with the decision to travel or not and I woke up on the 31st with the resolve to go. I polled pediatricians and doctors who all said it wasn't recommended to travel so early, but given the circumstances - "Go" and when I went to the internet to look for tickets found a good deal - an amazing deal. Last minute on a holiday weekend?! It was a sign.

We bumped up E's 3 week appointment to that Tuesday afternoon and we were at the airport that evening. G'mom's funeral was on the 3rd. We were going to say our goodbyes.

I'm still in NJ now, I am so glad that we came. There was such love and support in being with my family. Many tears and stories and laughter and joy over the new baby. I think E's presence was healing for many because they knew how much Grandmom was looking forward to this baby. I think that is one of the things that saddens me most. That G'mom never got to meet her and Ella-Lorraine will never know her. Langston probably won't remember her. I am sad for them because she was such a loving, amazing, dear person.

I miss you Grandmom. Your celebration of life service was so beautiful - so many people whose lives you touched. The outpouring of love from friends, family, even facebook folks has been tremendous! You would have been proud. I think about you every day and miss you so much. I know you are with me and I know although you never met Ella-Lorraine, you can see her and are with us always. It gives me great comfort to know we were close and that because of our close relationship, I had something truly special in you as my grandmother.

Thank you for always looking out for me. We all miss you so much. Our little family - the Browns, Johnson and Gilberts - has grown closer because there is a void. I hope you know how much we all loved and continue to love you.

When I am really sad, I can hear you saying, "Hey, Ladybug!" and it makes me smile.